One Direction's 'Best Song Ever' concerns itself with a half-remembered song. "I think it went oh-oh-oh," they sing. "I think it went yeah-yeah-yeah".
There's a bit after that which doesn't really make much sense in which the band also claim that the song makes a sort of slowing-down noise but let's not overcomplicate things. The oh-oh-oh/yeah-yeah-yeah bit is the important part.
So naturally the hunt is on for the identity of this song-within-a-song, a sort of One Direction-meets-Inception affair. One Dinception, if you will.
And we've drawn up a list of suspects.
Walk with us, people of the internet, through a series of oh-oh-ohs and yeah-yeah-yeahs.
Bruno Mars — 'Locked Out Of Heaven'
Qualifying lyric:
Oh oh oh oh, yeah, yeah, yeah
Can't I just stay here
Spend the rest of my days here
Oh, oh, oh, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah
Could this be the best song ever discussed in 'Best Song Ever'?
This is one of the more recent songs in our list of suspects and it seems possible that during the exhaustive 'writing process' that went into making this single the writers did indeed hear Bruno Mars. But it's significant, we feel, that this song includes "oh oh oh oh" rather than the triple-oh described by One Direction, and while there are of course three ohs in "oh oh oh oh" — and you might indeed argue that there are two sets of three ohs, one at the start and one at the end — there's the residual oh which is unaccounted for in One Direction's version of events.
GD & Top — 'Oh Yeah'
Qualifying lyric:
OH YEAH! (OH YEAH nan feelin' like )
OH YEAH! (OH YEAH jebal nal meomchujima)
OH YEAH! (OH OH OH MY MY MY)
OH YEAH! (OH YEAH) OH YEAH (YEAH YEAH YEAH)
Could this be the best song ever discussed in 'Best Song Ever'?
We're not sure this song will have blipped its way onto One Direction's radar, and we're almost certain they wouldn't have been dancing to it. So it's a no.
Lenny Kravitz — 'Fly Away'
Qualifying lyric:
Let's fade into the sun
Let your spirit fly
Where we are one
Just for a little fun
Oh oh oh yeah
I want to get away
I wanna fly away
Yeah yeah yeah
Could this be the best song ever discussed in 'Best Song Ever'?
This song is by Lenny Kravitz.
Hairspray — 'Welcome To The 60s'
Qualifying lyric:
Welcome to the 60's
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
Hey mama
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Could this be the best song ever discussed in 'Best Song Ever'?
Again we have the problem with surplus ohs, although you might argue that a string of six ohs is actually one triple-oh followed by another. Even so, we think this song struggles to adequately fit the bill.
Little Mix — 'Doo Wop / Never Leave You'
Qualifying lyric:
Oh oh oh oh (yeah yeah yeah)
Oh oh oh oh (yeah yeah yeah)
Oh oh oh oh (yeah yeah yeah)
Oh oh oh oh (yeah yeah yeah)
Could this be the best song ever discussed in 'Best Song Ever'?
There's a One Direction link here obviously so it's possible the 'boys' did hear it but this is a) a live song and b) a 'mashup' of two other songs, and the one that supplies the oh element is officially an uh-oh sort of song. So no, this is not the best song ever.
Andrew Allen — 'Yeah (No)'
Qualifying lyric:
Only If I can be the guy that gave them blue sky
When I say yeah yeah yeah yeah would I say yeah
Oh oh oh oh yeah
And now your holding onto the one guy
Could this be the best song ever discussed in 'Best Song Ever'?
Yes. (No.)
The 49ers — 'Touch Me'
Qualifying lyric:
Come on and touch me, touch me, touch
Come on and touch me, come on and come on
Come on and touch me, touch me, touch
Come on and touch me yeah-eah-eah (yeah-yeah-yeah)
People can't understand it, oh yea-eah
People can't understand it, oh, oh, oh
People can't understand it, oh yeah-eah
People-people can't understand it, oh, oh, oh
Could this be the best song ever discussed in 'Best Song Ever'?
This is a pretty triumphant song and the ohs and yeahs do appear in the required quantities. Also, as it was released in 1990, it's possible that One Direction danced to this at some sort of hipsteresque 90s-themed 'soirée'. We're not convinced, but it's possible that this is the best song ever.
Midnight Star — 'Feels So Good'
Qualifying lyric:
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
(Oh) Oh, yeah, yeah, oh, yeah
(Oh) Oh, yeah, yeah, oh, yeah
You know it feel so good
Could this be the best song ever discussed in 'Best Song Ever'?
You'll see that the first two ohs are estranged from the third. In a tragic twist it's a pair of yeahs that push them apart. How many times have we all seen this happen, and done nothing?
Christina Aguilera — 'Just Be Free'
Qualifying lyric:
You're moving, you're moving
Oh, oh, oh yeah yeah yeah yeah, oh
Ooh ohh, no ohh, oh ooh ohh yeah yeah
Could this be the best song ever discussed in 'Best Song Ever'?
This unreleased Christina song is a) shit and b) really shit so we're going to go for a 'not the best song ever' verdict here.
Alexandra Stan — 'Mr Saxobeat'
Qualifying lyric:
Oh Oh Oh Oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah mmm yeah yeah
Oh Oh yeah mmm yeah yeah mmm yeah yeah mmm yeah yeah
Oh yeah mmm yeah yeah mmm yeah yeah mmm yeah yeah
Oh Oh yeah mmm yeah yeah mmm yeah yeah mmm yeah yeah
Mr Saxo Beat
Could this be the best song ever discussed in 'Best Song Ever'?
We reckon that if this was in fact the song under discussion in 'Best Song Ever' One Direction would have included an "I think it went [HONKING SAX NOISE]" in their song, so while we are fans o' the Stan and are excited to hear her forthcoming musical output, we're sure this isn't the best song ever.
Jimmy Nevis — 'Heartboxing'
Qualifying lyric:
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh…
When we're heartboxing, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, heartboxing
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh…
When we're heartboxing, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, heartboxing
Could this be the best song ever discussed in 'Best Song Ever'?
Even if you say it's three triple-ohs in a row, you've still got an oh left over. Not the best song ever.
Anastacia — 'In Summer'
Qualifying lyric:
Oh yeah, yeah yeah
I said I love you, I love you, I love you
Oh yes I do
I truly love you
Hey yeah hey yeah hey yeah
Oh oh oh
Oh yeah hey yeah
Oh oh oh oh
I said now take me to the end for me
Yeah hey yeah yeah
Could this be the best song ever discussed in 'Best Song Ever'?
Again, if One Direction had heard this song they would have said "hey yeah yeah" and "yeah hey yeah" in their song, which might actually have been slightly better than the comparatively facile "yeah yeah yeah" but it's too late to change it now because it's already had its world exclusive first play on [INSERT NAME OF EVERY RADIO STATION ON THE PLANET].
Nicole Scherzinger — 'Right There'
Qualifying lyric:
Come here baby and be my baby
And be my baby oh oh oh
Come here baby put your hands on my body
Hands on my body oh oh oh
Right there keep it right there
I love when you put it right there yeah yeah yeah
oh oh oh yeah yeah yeah oh oh oh
Yeah
Could this be the best song ever discussed in 'Best Song Ever'?
This is an immense tune but we're not convinced on the yeah yeah yeah front here — it's more of a "therey yeah yeah". Sorry Scherzo. Your song is not the best ever.
Gem — 'She Said Oh Oh Oh I Said Yeah Yeah Yeah'
Qualifying lyric:
She said oh oh oh, I said yeah yeah yeah
You're not the only one..
She said oh oh oh, I said yeah yeah yeah
You're not the only one…
She said oh oh oh, I said yeah yeah yeah
She said oh oh oh, I said yeah yeah yeah
She said oh oh oh, I said yeah yeah yeah
Could this be the best song ever discussed in 'Best Song Ever'?
This is looking like the front-runner isn't it.
September — 'Hands Up'
Qualifying lyric:
Just put your hands up, hands up
'Cause we can't get enough, get enough
So put your hands up, hands up
Oh, oh, oh
Now will you dance with me?
Oh, oh
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Could this be the best song ever discussed in 'Best Song Ever'?
There are two spare yeahs in the last line. Poor show.
Joey Ramone — 'Rock N Roll Is The Answer'
Qualifying lyric:
Rock’n roll is the answer
Rock’n roll is the answer
Oh, oh, oh
Rock’n roll is the answer
Rock’n roll is the answer
Oh yeah!
Rock and roll…it is the answer!
Rock and roll…is the answer
Yeah yeah!
Oh yeah!
Rock and roll…it is the answer
Rock and roll is the answer
Yeah yeah!
Rock and roll is the answer
Rock and roll yeah yeah yeah!
Could this be the best song ever discussed in 'Best Song Ever'?
This, ladies and gentlemen, is a fucking racket, and is therefore disqualified from any best song ever-related musings.
Outasight — 'Tonight Is The Night'
Qualifying lyric:
Everybody go whoa, whoa, oh, oh, oh
Whoa, whoa, oh, oh, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Whoa, whoa, oh, oh, oh, whoa, whoa, oh, oh, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Could this be the best song ever discussed in 'Best Song Ever'?
Again, too many yeahs.
One Direction — 'Best Song Ever'
Qualifying lyric:
I think it went oh-oh-oh
And I think it went yeah-yeah-yeah
Could this be the best song ever discussed in 'Best Song Ever'?
The answer has probably been staring us in the face all along. 'Best Song Ever' might be about a song that contains oh-oh-oh and yeah-yeah-yeah, but by including that song's lyrics in this song's lyrics, 'Best Song Ever' instantly qualifies for best song ever status. We imagine what probably happened was that One Direction half-recorded an early version of this song, which included the oh-oh-oh and yeah-yeah-yeah bits but didn't have the rest of the chorus lyrics about dancing to the best song ever. After they'd finished in the studio that evening they went to some sort of nitespot and got the DJ to play their demo. They then danced all night to the song. Then the next day they went into the studio and completed the song, filling the gaps with a story about the previous night's activities.
CONCLUSION
'Best Song Ever' is the best song ever.