"THE BUTCH WOMEN WOULD HAVE BATTERED ME."

Remi Nicole discusses her potential as a con­test­ant on Gladiators — among other bits and bobs…

Remi Nicole is not the new Kate Nash. Nor is she the new Lily Allen. Let us make that quite clear.

Here is what was discussed when we spoke to Remi recently — a load of old nonsense about Jeremy Kyle and working in rubbish offices…

Questions: Peter Robinson
Answers: Remi Nicole (obviously)

Hello Remi.
Hello Popjustice.

If you were still working in an office, what would you have been up to today?
I would have got in late — having not been able to drag myself out of bed — sat down at my desk and turned MSN on. I would have read some emails that I didn't really under­stand and then filed some papers then made coffee for people. I'd come back, talk on MSN, check my MySpace, send some more emails, file some more, have lunch, complain about being ill and then go home.

What's the worst job you've ever had?
That was probably working in Sainsbury's bakery.

It could have been the fish counter.
I would never work on a fish counter. I hate fish.

How does the employ­ment hierarchy work on the Sainsbury's shop floor?
There is a hierarchy in any super­mar­ket. I also worked at Marks & Spencers and checkout was pretty good down there, because you got to sit down. But if you're out folding clothes, that's good as well. You can pretend to fold clothes and just walk around and not do anything.

We're guessing you are not exactly a model employee.
Oh, I could do nothing at home as well. I'll do nothing all day and then it's 6 o'clock.

What would you spend the time doing?
Well, I wouldn't spend any of that time watching Jeremy Kyle. I've never been a fan but espe­cially since I read some stuff about him in the papers which didn't make him seem very nice.

Is it the show you have a problem with or the man himself?
I don't like the man one bit, I think he's rude and I don't think he helps people. You've got to be a fool to go on that show. I saw this girl and her family from my primary school on there, they were talking about how she had a kid but her mum and dad didn't like the kid – but they should have just dealt with it. Can you imagine the amount of time and effort you have to go through to write into the show, tell the show your problems and wait for it to go on air? Maybe they just want to be on TV.

Shall we talk about something else? What about music…
Why not?

Do you think 'Go Mr Sunshine' would have been a bigger hit if we'd actually had any sort of summer?
Yeah. It was the most ridicu­lous summer I've ever heard of. Maybe I could re-write it for Christmas and call it 'Go Mr Snowflake'.

Is there anything past the point of 1980 that grabs your interest at the moment?
(Pause for all eternity) No. I only like Amy Winehouse.

Shall we talk about you going on tour with Amy Winehouse now then?
Okay.

She's appar­ently not going to drink before going on stage from now on.
Really? That'll be interesting…

Do you feel sorry for the kids of today who have nothing to get out of bed to watch except cookery programmes?
Yes. They've got Freshly Squeezed on E4 but where's Live & Kicking, where's SM:TV, where are all those amazing pro­grammes that used to be on?

Would you have liked the oppor­tun­ity to be covered in slime on a Saturday morning? 
I want them to remake Funhouse. I would be the first one going round in a go-kart picking up those things. Pat Sharp has heard my album and he is a big fan. I'd have been great on Gladiators too, although I'm a bit light so the butch women would have battered me.

What should your rather brief Wikipedia entry say about you?
Nothing. I've not done much yet so there is nothing to say about me.

Is there anything important people need to know? Any talents? Skills?
No.

We have been led to believe that you may have some strong opinions on celebrity culture. Would you like to air your grievances?
I think tabloid culture stinks and celebrity magazines are the worst things ever, they are so bad for youth culture and society. They don't make people think for them­selves and they make people anorexic. Don't read those sorts of things to make your mind up about the world, make up your own mind. I'm not going to say that I don't flick through them occa­sion­ally, because out of boredom, I do. I look at the pictures. I do like Heat magazine's Torso Of The Week feature, though. Yes, I like that.

Pervert. Thank you very much, Remi Nicole.