The video opens with a shot of Lady Gaga and her friends in a screening room, about to watch the video for 'Bad Romance'. Very postmodern. Note the solitary dog. :( | |
Readers we're interested in purchasing a Philippe Starck-designed home audio visual control system but are having trouble thinking of one, can any of you apropos of nothing and off the top of your heads suggest one? |
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Actually while you're at it we're also thinking of purchasing some vodka but are having trouble choosing a brand, can anyone apropos of nothing and off the top of their heads suggest one? | |
These look a bit like those storage things people keep on the tops of their cars but that wouldn't make for a very exciting pop video so let's wait and see what happens shall we. | |
We pull back to find out that the roof rack car things are in fact in Bath Haus Of Gaga. This is a play on the whole Haus Of Gaga thing. You can see what they've done there. It is a bath house. Do you see. | |
Some ladies begin crawling out of the roof rack pod things. You don't get that in Halfords. | |
Lady Gaga in a bath. Her eyes have been made to look big like in those Government drugs commercials and there may indeed be some suggestion here that ladies fed into the trafficking system are fed loadsa drugs all the time but it's probably nothing more than a coincidence in terms of those TV ads. | |
Readers we're interested in purchasing a celebrity-endorsed, in-ear headphone solution but are having trouble choosing a brand, can anyone apropos of nothing and off the top of their heads make any suggestions? | |
Here's Lady Gaga being forced to drink some booze. She is being forced to do this by OTHER LADIES which makes the message of the video (we're not sure if there actually is a message actually) all the more poignant and dark, don't you think? | |
This is the best bit in the whole video, when Gaga sort of looks away from the camera in a slightly pensive fashion. IT IS AN EXPRESSION YOU NEVER SEE IN POP VIDEOS. Chiefly because v few pop videos are about sex trafficking. | |
Lady Gaga is forced to dance for potential clients. The clients are all drinking vodka. We wonder if there is someone somewhere at a certain vodka company having a handful of slightly fraught meetings with their boss about whether this might be the least flattering product placement escapade of all time. | |
Come on. Someone must be able to suggest a decent brand of vodka. Someone. Anyone? No? Nobody? No? Fine. | |
Lady Gaga on the loo. | |
Bids are placed for Lady Gaga. When it gets to a million the deal is done. | |
Readers we're interested in purchasing a new laptop computing device but are having trouble choosing a reputable manufacturer, can anyone apropos of nothing and off the top of their heads make any suggestions? |
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There's some good bullet time-style action here with Lady Gaga a‑warblin' amid a cloud of hovering diamonds. | |
Here she is sporting the gyroscope thing from the Monster Ball promo shots. This is nothing to do with the plot of the video and is just here because it looks quite good. We are sorry if this offends your principles re narrative structure but sometimes in a pop video you just need to stand around in a massive gyroscope and this is one of those times. | |
This bit is a bit like the gyroscope shot above in that it's just an excuse to sit around in another frock. As you might have guessed we're deep into 'middle eight' territory here and that is traditionally the point in the video where it is permissible to do something that doesn't fit in properly. IT'S ALL FINE. | |
Having been purchased, Lady Gaga is on her way to The Rumpo Area wearing a frock with a polar bear hanging out of the back of it. You may laugh but we've all at one point or another been out in a bar or club and started walking out of the toilet with a bit of loo roll stuck to one of our shoes, and this is exactly the same except with a polar bear. | |
Readers we're interested in purchasing some new sunglasses but are having trouble choosing a brand, can anyone apropos of nothing and off the top of their heads make any suggestions? |
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Lady Gaga and pals are now dressed in red. You can tell things are about to get exciting. | |
And they do. Lady Gaga bursts into flames. DON'T THROW WATER ON IT THAT WILL MAKE IT WORSE. Oh hang on that's chip pans isn't it. | |
Et voila: the man is dead having been burned to death by Lady Gaga. Lady Gaga is frazzled but will be fine when she's had a bit of a sit down. |
IN A NUTSHELL
1. Sex trafficking is a bad thing and might burn you to death.
2. We would love all the product placement in this video about prostitution to be a deliberate statement about the nature of modern-day art vs commerce but we think that would proabably be overthinking things a bit and it's really just product placement for cash.
3. Here is the video in case you would like to watch it.
httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ACm9yECwSso
Now, if anyone can recommend any vodka, laptops, headphones or sunglasses that would be great.