The problem with the UK pop charts: too few singles about having a wank and then feeling a bit guilty about it afterwards.
Here's a newish song from generic Swedish songbird Linda Sundblad called 'Oh Father'.
Sing along:
"Oh father, I've been touching myself and I'm worried — is Heaven still open for me?"
It's basically Kylie singing the first half of 'The Immaculate Collection'.
And very good it is, too.