There are 19 bloody songs on the Timbaland album
And he could basically have sold off nine of them to any old idiot for half a million quid apiece and still released a decent album.
NONE of the 19 tracks are interludes. They are ALL proper songs. He probably only stopped at 19 because he was running out of room on the CD sleeve.
Here is what happens.
'Oh Timbaland '
A hip hop version of the music from that car advert with that French woman and the gay one off Holby City.
Is it as good as 'Maneater': No.
'Give It To Me '
Nelly Furtado is on this but it is not as good as 'Maneater' (see below). Justin is on it too and it is not as good as 'What Goes Around'. You have probably already heard this one. It is 'alright'.
Is it as good as 'Maneater': No.
'Release '
If Justin Timberlake had done 'Maneater' it would have sounded like this.
Is it as good as 'Maneater': No.
'The Way I Are '
Timbaland makes some 'Icebox'-esque ravey noises and talks about flowers and soulmates in a robot voice to a woman called Keri Hilson. She is on this album a lot, they must be close. This song is very amazing indeed.
Is it as good as 'Maneater': No.
'Bounce '
Something about letting 'your ass get hiccups'. Wind, in other words. A bit boring until Missy turns up, like anything in life.
Is it as good as 'Maneater': No.
'Come And Get Me '
We are now entering a no fun zone. There are some 'ah ah ah ah' noises and some sub-Dre plinkyplonks. 50 Cent is on this one.
Is it as good as 'Maneater': No.
'Kill Yourself '
Not a barrel of laughs. Includes a 'Resident Evil' sample. There is a good bit where it goes boom-boom-boom-boom. Very atmospheric.
Is it as good as 'Maneater': No.
'Boardroom '
Missy Elliot is on this one. We'd like to think that Missy would turn up for a serious boardmeeting at her record label dressed in something that would need deflating afterwards. Includes an amazing "get your back up off the wall" Kool & The Gang reference and some big choral sighs.
Is it as good as 'Maneater': No.
'Fantasy '
Britney should have done this spooky 'n' hypnotic 'jam' in the ad for her perfume, which is now quite heavily reduced in Superdrug. Money sings on this. We've heard of Money talking but this is ridic(You're fired — Ed)
Is it as good as 'Maneater': No.
HALF WAY THROUGH
'Scream '
One of the ladies singing on this is that woman from the Pussycat Dolls so expect a lot of ridiculous faces in the video. Is it disappointingly uneventful but you're hardly going to bin off a track with that woman from the Pussycat Dolls, are you? The "SCREAM! At the top of your lungs" bit is quite catchy, WE SUPPOSE.
Is it as good as 'Maneater': No.
'Miscommunication '
It is fair to say this one is quite generic.
Is it as good as 'Maneater': No.
'Bombay '
You would not guess from the title but there is a bit of an Eastern theme to this one. Unfortunately it is basically shit.
Is it as good as 'Maneater': No.
'Throw It On Me '
This one has The Hives on it and basically makes you realise that if the album had skipped from 'The Way I Are' to here we would have missed out on some good songs but we'd still only be halfway through one of the best albums of the year.
Is it as good as 'Maneater': No.
'Time '
A slow one with She Wants Revenge on it. The funny thing about this album is that the ones with people other than Justin, Nelly and Missy are the more interesting ones. We do not know what this means. Probably that Tim wasn't allowed to keep the best things he did with those artists. We may never know.
Is it as good as 'Maneater': No.
'One And Only '
Example two. This one has got Fall Out Boy on it and a "wipe that smile off your fucking face" bridge. There are handclaps from the very beginning of this song. The chorus is a bit noisy.
Is it as good as 'Maneater': No.
'Apologize '
Like 'Icebox' crossed with 'My Heart Will Go On' with One Republic doing some singing. The best slow one on the album.
Is it as good as 'Maneater': No.
'2 Man Show '
Elton John plays the piano but doesn't sing anything so it could be some mad old bat banging away on a Casio for all we know. The album is not as officially 'over' as Timbaland claims in the song, because we can clearly see two more tracks listed on the sleeve.
Is it as good as 'Maneater': No.
'Hello '
Boring!
Is it as good as 'Maneater': No.
'Come Around '
M.I.A. must be thrilled that this song is a 'UK Bonus Track' only. Especially when it is one of the best on the album and unmistakably M.I.A.
Is it as good as 'Maneater': No.
Basically the singles should be 'Release', 'Apologize', 'Come Around' and 'Time' but because Timbaland is AMERICAN he will instead probably release the 50 Cent and Nicole Scherzinger ones instead.
We very nearly lost the will to live about three quarters of the way through and if you've made it this far you are a) very brave and b) probably not really any the wiser as to what the album actually sounds like.
Basically it's an 8/10 but you need to approach it as two albums or it will do your head in.