So, in honour of his next single 'Merrymaking At My Place', Calvin Harris is having this day where, up and down the country, his fans are encouraged to host their own house parties.
'Unexpectedly' (ie completely expectedly because that is why it was such a genius idea) the media have branded this irresponsible, creating 'a furore' (publicity).
And now Calvin has had to make a video telling people to party responsibility.
httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=glPkARz1KJU
We presume this could run and run.
The only thing which could turn this scam on its head is if something terrible happens like a murder because then there would be blood on Calvin's hands. Actually what they should do is plant someone at one of the parties who during the evening will produce a gun or knife or something and then just as he's about to kill someone Calvin could burst in through the door and go "STOP!" then wrestle the 'murderer' to the ground, thus saving the day and creating even more tabloid coverage. Something else which would be good is if loads of teenagers get drunk and end up getting pregnant at the parties, and then if they all name their kids (whether male or female) Calvin. There would be a generation of Calvin Harris-inspired children. Calvin could make an album of lullabies for them, and then when they are old enough — maybe eight years old — all the Calvins could make loads of little pop groups, maybe with five or six members in each of them, and Calvin could produce their albums. As they get older each of the Calvins could name each of their own kids Calvin, and create a record label which would only release music made by the Calvins. After a few generations the Calvins will be so rich and powerful that they will be able to afford to buy an entire country like Belgium, which they will rename Calvin. Anybody not called Calvin would be sent out of the country to live somewhere else. The citizens of Calvin would build huge walls around its borders and then eventually put a roof on top and they would live in the big, Belgium-sized box. As the population increased the roof would have to be raised higher and higher until eventually it stretched to outer space and then, after a couple of hundred years, to the Moon. When the tower of Calvin reached the Moon all the Calvins would climb up big ladders to the top and burrow into the centre of the Moon, and then move inside the Moon for good, where they would live forever. The Moon itself would be renamed Calvin and there would be wars between the people of Calvin and the people of Earth whenever the people of Earth attempted to climb up the Calvin tower to get to the Moon. Eventually the tower would be destroyed, but by that point the inhabitants of Calvin would have invented a way of turning their planet into a huge spaceship and they would drive around outer space destroying other planets.